In the fall of 2018 I suffered a pelvic organ prolapse. If you're thinking "that sounds serious" you're right, it is. But at the time all I could do was laugh about it.
In the face of having recently buried my bonus son and finding out one of my daughter's had been grievously abused by her biological father (we got the news of each occurance literally days apart) this sudden onset medical issue made me laugh until I cried because OF COURSE this would happen now! I mean wasn't this the perfect time to deal with more shit I'd rather not?!
While I did not take the advice of my bestie and head to the ER I was able to get it together enough to inform my awesome GYN who immediately referred me to a specialist. Although I needed corrective surgery we opted for a medical insert to hold my bits in place. Michael and I had been trying for kiddo number 5 since 2015 and kept our struggles private. She didn't want to fix what she knew I wanted to break again.
(Side bar: We went on to try fertility medication that did not work)
Fast forward to 2022. While we were still open and willing to having another child, despite the promises we'd recieved and believe it did not seem to be happening. We accepted this until two very unexpected (I'd not had so much as a viable pregnancy scare in YEARS) pink lines changed our lives once more again. Our daughter Devin was born in December. What happened to her twin is a story for another time.
In spring of 2023 sufficiently recovered from having a little person I started seeing a specialist again to address and correct my pelvic floor issues. I underwent what was ultimately a failed corrective procedure in May before deciding on an actual surgery.
Because of my full medical history which includes PCOS and Adenomyosis it was strongly recommend that I have a full hysterectomy as part of my corrective surgery. While I grappled with the decision for some time I ultimately agreed. No one wants to bleed for months at a time while they cycle through meds to stop it.
My surgery was scheduled for August but ended up being rescheduled on account of me having contracted the PLAGUE (special shout out to my baby AKA Patient 0 and her germy little cohorts).
On September 19th, 2023 I had a full hysterectomy. Nothing in there but ovaries as I wasn't keen on early menopause and neither was my doctor. I thought I was OK with what happened. I thought I'd reasoned it through and made the best decision for me. We were done having kids (5 was always the magic number and we did in fact get there although only 3 are earthside) and I was addressing several issues at a time.
But something happened the other day........ in a very intimate moment of vulnerability I cried and told Michael I wanted another baby. As I continued to share my heart I realized that an as yet unknown effect had revealed itself. I felt cut of from my ability to create. The fact that l could no longer create and house a life showed up in many areas but business especially.
Ideas that once seem to flow like a river suddenly stopped. All the things I wanted and had indeed set out to do suddenly didn't matter anymore. For months I felt set adrift and didn't know why (I think is interesting that the June launch of Pain to Purpose coincided with my decision to have surgery) I came to refer to it as emotional constipation.....something was very much there but I couldn't get it out though it hurt desperately.
The utterance of my words shocked me. I had no idea that I felt that way but everything I said reverberated with truth. I had to accept the existence of the many and varied conflicting emotions within me. In doing so I feel like creation is possible once more. I don't feel stuck, I don't feel stifled.
A part of me is gone. I miss it. My childbearing years are over. I want another baby, but I also don't want to dedicate any more years than I have to, to raising another child. Been there done that, had my first at 16 and started helping care for siblings at 7. I've done my time and don't care to do more.
While I do not and probably never will think of my business as a baby, I am excited to explore all the new ways and things I've been blessed to create. I still carry greatness within me it's just different now.
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